BEER - PROBLEM DIAGNOSIS FOR OLD MIDS
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet
Fault: Mouth not open whilst drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face
Remedial Action: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue as many times as required to perfect technique
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction, glass contents unusually pale or clear
Fault: Glass is empty
Remedial Action: Find someone who will buy you a drink
Symptom: Feet cold & wet
Fault: Glass being held at wrong angle
Remedial Action: Turn glass so that open end points towards the ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm & wet
Fault: Incorrect bladder controls
Remedial Action: Stand close to nearest dog. After a while, complain to owner that it lacks house training and demand pint in compensation
Symptom: Bar blurred
Fault: Looking through bottom of empty glass
Remedial Action: Find someone to buy you a drink
Symptom: Bar moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Remedial Action: Find out if you are being carried to another licensed premises. If not shout loudly that you are being kidnapped by the Temperance Society
Symptom: Wall opposite is covered in ceiling tiles and fluorescent lighting strips
Fault: You have fallen over backwards
Remedial Action: If glass is full and nobody is standing on your arm, none needed
Symptom: Everything has gone dark
Fault: Bar is closing
Remedial Action: Panic
Symptom: Wake to and find the bed is hard, cold and wet, and you cannot see walls or ceiling
Fault: You are sleeping in the gutter
Remedial Action: Check watch. If it is opening time, return to bar. If it is not, have a lie-in.